**Disclaimer** There are many variables that play into this. I am NOT a marriage counselor and I am only sharing what works for Fabian and I. There is nothing wrong with seeing a marriage counselor. I highly encourage going to one. Even if your marriage is great, going to a counselor can be highly beneficial.
One of the number one reasons for divorce in North America is money fights and money problems. Couples tend to stress about money above everything else. As I write this, I want you to know that I want to see lasting marriages. I want to see marriages that are able to help others in need. There is power when two are gathered in agreement. Mountains move and battles are won. I know for a fact that when spouses get on the same page with money a lot of other areas in their marriage start to improve. For example just to name a few, trust, communication, and a mutual understanding of each other.
I was the first one who really wanted to jump on this get-out-of-debt plan. Fabian thought it was a great idea, but he just wasn't there yet. I had read The Total Money Makeover and he didn't really have the time to sit and read. So we got him the audiobook. (Compromise, y'all.) I asked him to listen to it because it would mean a lot to me. He read it and got on board immediately.
The hard part came as we discussed the budget. Both of us had been spending money like it was dispensable. He spent $100 on Starbucks a month. I easily spent $200 on clothes and toys for Benaiah and I. We probably spent $300 on eating out a month if not more. After we got on the same page, everything changed. The way we treated each other changed. We were now working together toward a common goal. There is nothing better than feeling one with your husband/wife.
Here are my suggestions on how to get on the same page with you spouse:
1. Talk to Your Spouse
Put your phones away. Turn the T.V. off. When the kids are asleep, tell them you'd like to talk about something important. If you're worried about finances, tell them! If you'd like to get out of debt, discuss it with them. If you want to be on a budget so that you are in control of your money, tell them! If you want to save money for emergencies, tell them your concerns.
Many times one spouse is the spender and one is the saver. I am the spender. I have to constantly keep myself in line from impulse buying. When I feel the temptation, I remind myself, "Adults devise a plan and conquer it; Children do what feels good." My husband has voiced his concern for when I randomly buy something "we need." Now, I call or text when I want to purchase something that wasn't budgeted. Most of the time the answer is "no." I voiced my concern when Fabian kept forgetting his lunch and "had" to eat out a few months ago. We talked about how we could improve. I started making larger meals and refrigerating/freezing the leftovers for him.
One line that works for Fabian and I is, "It would mean a lot to me if..."
It would mean a lot to me if you'd do the budget with me.
It would mean a lot to me if we'd take a financial class.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd read/listen to this book and tell me what you think.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd help me with the dishes.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd help me put away the clothes.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd help me pack my lunch.
This one simple sentence communicates clearly your needs.
Word of advice: Try not to tell your spouse what they're doing wrong. Tell them what they're doing right. Work together to improve the things they could work on. Chances are you have a few things you could work on too.
2. Do it Together
I am so surprised when I hear people tell me, "Oh, I don't do the budget. My [spouse] does it." Or "my [spouse] handles all of that." For the sake of your marriage, that line tells me something oh so dangerous. It tells me that you aren't working together. That you aren't one.
I write out the budget mostly on my own. At the beginning of the month, we go through it and he will add to or take away things in the budget. He might even remind me about something I forgot to put in there. After the initial monthly plan, Fabian and I have a budget meeting about once a week. We look at the budget together, talk about the categories and where we're at. (Seriously takes less than 5 minutes.) He sometimes may or may not get on to me about going over budget...
Fabian works 3 jobs. If he has the time to sit with me for a few minutes a week to talk about money, anyone can. Even if you hate talking about money and looking at numbers, sit with your spouse as they create it. The spouse that is doing the budget/finances by themselves wants the other spouse to be involved. When you're involved, you're apart of the dreaming and goal planning. When you're involved, you are one.
3. Write out Your Goals and Dreams Together
Nothing will make you feel closer to your spouse than this. (It also may make you want to rip out your hair once you hear some of their dreams.. Listen to them. Be gracious. Compromise.) We love writing out our dreams and goals together. When you do this it helps you realize what your true destination is, especially financially. If you want to travel or have a nice house or retire with dignity, it takes intentional planning. It takes saving money. It takes working together.
Write your dreams/goals out. Hang them where they can be seen. Remind each other what the end goal is. Remind each other about the reason behind why you're getting out of debt, saving money, or simply saying "no." When we are feeling discouraged and weak, we remind each other of our goals to get us back a track
Some of our "big" goals:
Jeep Commander
Toyota Highlander
House
Travel/Vacations
Giving outlandishly when we see a need.
College saving for kids
Adoption/Foster Care
Retirement
4. Respect and Love
Lastly, have grace for when your spouse messes up. Help them improve. Instead of getting frustrated and throwing your hands in the air, talk through it. Appreciate your husband for working so hard to provide for the family. Appreciate your wife for managing the finances and/or the house so well. Ask them how you can help improve the joint financial situation. Most of the time both parties are good-willed people that want what's best. Treat each other with mutual respect and love. Your spouse is not you. Most of all they are not perfect. Be gracious. Give them the same patience you would need.
Fabian likes really nice things. He likes Apple technology and nicer cars. I don't understand this as I could drive my 2001 Honda CRV for the rest on my life and have a simple flip phone and it wouldn't bother me one bit. Fabian's a saver which is great, but he also likes expensive things. I have learned to respect this about him and compromise. The great thing is that he knows how to say "no" to himself. He understands that he can't buy an Apple Watch just because they exist.
For Fabian, I have to tell him we can't buy the new iPad. For one we don't need one and for two we have goals. For me, he has to tell me that the boys don't need 50 toys and I don't need 50 pairs of shoes, kitchen supplies, and books. My items may not be expensive, but when I buy new stuff constantly it adds up.
A good rule to have is to talk before purchase. Don't buy something that's not budgeted unless you and your spouse have talked about it. Eating out counts! If you've already used your eat out budget, don't eat out with your friends and pay for their meals. Your budget is a contract. You are saying to your spouse, "I love you and I will help our family reach our goals by sticking to this budget." Respect and love your spouse enough to care what they care about.
Getting on the same page about money will change your marriage for the better. Talk about money. Your future depends on it.
What do you and your spouse do to stay on the same page with money? Share your helpful tips with others in the comments. :)
I recommend this book: http://www.daveramsey.com/store/books/dave-s-bestsellers/the-total-money-makeover/prodtmmoclassic.html
It is $10 right now ^^^ Get the audiobook, if you or your spouse don't read. :)
Love,
Leah
If you need help or have any questions, feel free to email me or Facebook me. leah.mandujano@gmail.com
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